He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls…Prov 25: 28 (KJV)
Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control. (NIV)
My husband have become too engrossed with work, he does not have time for me again. Like a virtuous woman, I don’t complain for the first two weeks’plus. I am patient, tolerant and understanding even when I feel like lashing out at him. Most times he comes home tired and unable to eat. I have since stopped cooking any elaborate dinner.
“How can he be so insensitive to me? How can he close me out when we are the only ones together at home”. I have chanted this several times in mind especially when I see him hunched over his laptop and I am just lying on the bed dying of boredom. The height of it was when he decides not to go church on Sunday.
“You better don’t let the devil enter this house, for the past few weeks you’ve just been doing anyhow, you don’t talk to me! You won’t eat my food! you won’t touch me, you leave your shoes scattered, simple instructions you don’t follow, You don’t thank me every time you meet our room clean and organised…Yesterday that’s how you left the tooth paste open and I found the cover all the way in the kitchen. Now you won’t talk to me ’cause of work. Do you want to kill yourself ’cause of work ehn?”.
I pause to catch my breathe. He gives me a weary look but still do not say anything.
I lift my hands in gesture of annoyance. “If you knew you loved work this much why didn’t you just marry work so it can take care of you and look out for you and even cook and look for your stupid shoes when you don’t know where you put it “. Tears spill down my cheeks in torrent. I feel my body tremor.
I am about to walk away when I hear Tayo speak.
“Omolade stop throwing tantrums, I can’t deal. Not now. I just cannot, I simply cannot”. He says in that deep voice that tells me he’s either pissed or bothered about something.
My usual Tayo would have consoled me, my tears never failed to move him every time. I look at him properly to be sure it’s my husband in that body speaking. He face looks strained and he begins to pace. He massages the back of his neck.
I am tempted to scold him for pacing and wearing out the rug but there are other important issues to deal with at the moment. I won’t let Tayo have his way this time, I have been quiet long enough, we must deal with this now.
I retrace my steps to meet him.
“Tayo what did I hear you just say? I hold the left of my ear as I advance towards him.
“What can’t you deal with? So you think I am throwing tantrums? When did you become this mean? So even with all your prayer you did not hear the spirit of God tell you to make me happy abi?”. I throw questions after questions at him.
My tears dry up. In its place is an angry woman with fire currently blazing in her bone and eyes sparkling in anger.
When he says nothing, I lash on.
“Speak to me, you will not speak; I tell you everything that is wrong with me but you keep hiding stuffs from me but prefer to tell God alone. Are we not one flesh? Just continue with your nonsense, two can play the game. Tayo if you give me headache I will give you migraine for a whole year, If you step on my toes I will crush yours completely, since you have now decided to ignore me for work I will tell you that’s its possible for me to forget your existence…”.
He interrupts my blabbing. Omolade did you just say all that to me?” He says in a tone divulge of anger.
I actually want to get him angry to the point where he says what is bothering him. I don’t know how Tayo does it, but he is one of the calmest t person I have ever come across in my life. Fire may be burning a house and he’ll still be calm.
My spirit is quiet on me. I begin to panic. I actually did not mean everything I said, I only want Tayo to have a taste of the hurt that I am facing.
I walk away from his presence before I further complicate issue. My mouth may be running itself but I actually cannot handle the consequence of my words.
Ashley and I have made up so I decide to give her a call; I’ll rather pay her a visit than go to church and feel guilty or stay with Tayo whose actions I cannot predict at the moment as I have never spoken to him that rudely before.
“Hello babe, how are you? Are you home?” I say to her over the phone.
“My dear, I’m at the hospital. I don’t feel too well. Come to the hospital then we can go to my house together”. Ashley replies.
“Sorry dear. Is it malaria?” I ask
“Come first I will gist you”. She responds.
I quickly drop the phone to dress up for my visit to Ashley’s in the hospital. I decide to wear a play suit with a plunging neck line. I wear it to spite Tayo. I want his attention and he has blatantly refused to give me.
“Should work more be more important than me? Nonsense!”. I lament in my mind
I usually wear this play suit at home or when we go to the beach together. It’s usually a breaker for Tayo; He would have me anywhere on sighting it on me. It did not matter that we are in public, he would drag me to the car or the toilet. I wonder why I hadn’t thought of wearing it since maybe this silence would have been broken.
With this thoughts in mind I boldly step out of the room with car keys and purse in hand. Tayo spares me a glance before returning to face his Laptop.
I stutter in my steps. ”Wait! What just happened? My Tayo just ignored my body?”. I say to myself. I am slightly dazed thinking about this.
On getting to the car, I hit the steering repeatedly, strings of cuss words that I did not even know I knew flow out from my mouth. Something must be wrong somewhere. I am shocked at myself.
Maybe it’s the blog you’ve been reading or that series -Orange is the new black that you’ve been so engrossed watching.
I don’t dwell on the later part of my thought, I focus on Tayo’s actions instead. First He focuses all of his attention and energy on work, he missed church today and now he is looking at my body like he’s looking at an empty pot. No sign of attraction, feelings, emotion or reaction.
“Pray for him; stay at home with him”.
I remember I had walked out on him without telling him of my whereabouts. It takes all of my will power to get out of the car to tell him I am going to pay Ashley a visit. I don’t think he deserves that courtesy for hurting me by ignoring me. I try to be a good wife again.
I open the living room door with a force that startles Tayo. “I am heading out to see Ashley, she’s ill. I won’t be gone for long”. I say curtly, without making eye contact with him.
I turn to shut the door behind me when I catch his eyes eating my behind. I see a fierce hunger in his eyes.
“That’s what we’re talking about”. I smile in victory
I take that ‘I am a woman, my body moves my husband’ happiness to meet Ashley at the hospital. Apparently she doesn’t have malaria as I thought, she developed a minor sprain on her neck and ankle when she fell off the stair case in her home.
“Just take it easy my dear. Is Carmen coming to pick you up?”.
“I asked him not to bother, since you said you were coming”. She replies.
“Just be careful. Hope you’re feeling better?”.
“I am better. I have taken some painkillers. I will be fine”.
A strange silence envelops us.
I can tell that there’s something on Ashley’s mind. She’s wriggling her hands in her laps and even though she’s facing me she looks at everywhere except me.
“Are you okay Ashley? Is something wrong somewhere?” I ask in concern. I am starting to worry.
“I don’t know if I can trust you enough to tell you stuffs before you start judging me”. She says instead
I am hurt by her feedback. “Could this be the reason Tayo is not telling me what is wrong with him? Am I that bad? ” I think to myself. I need to correct this impression.
I sober up.
“I am really sorry about the last time Ashley. It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me what’s bothering you,I know with time I’ll gain your trust again”.
“I forgive you Lade. The thing is, it’s Carmen that put me in this condition. For the first time in our marriage he hit me.It was while I was trying escape his wrath that I missed my steps and fell”.
I don’t know what happened but I think I must have reacted too quickly because I hear Ashley scream my name even though I can only hear it faintly. I see a woman in white sprinkling something wet on me. It takes a while for me to to resurface
“Omolade you scared the shit out of me! Why did you go off on me like that! Are you okay?”. Ashley shouts; she’s freaking out so bad.
I take in her dishevelled hair and her bulging eyes looking at me in fear. I see perspiration form on the top of her lips.
“Sorry I don’t know what happened”. I reply
She calms down but her eyes are roaming all over my body to be sure that I am fine.
I squirm under her gaze. “What is it ? Why are you staring at me like that?”
“Omolade you must do a test before leaving this hospital. I even just noticed that your breast is looking bigger than usual. Are you pregnant?”.
She focus her attention on my boobs again as if trying to measure the extra length and weight that has been added since the last time she saw me. My exposed cleavage did not help matters and I’m starting to feel uncomfortable
“Comot ya eye”. I scold jokingly in pidgin
She starts to laugh. “I am surprised Tayo let you out of his sight with you looking like this?”.
“Asewo! You too like something!”. I jokingly reply
“Hian! before nko. Come and do pregnancy test.,I will wait for you…
After all the drama of the day I am surprised that I still have lots of energy. I am disapointed to find Tayo not at home. I am tempted to call him to ask of his whereabouts but I remember he’s been ignoring me so I decide to ignore him too.
“I can’t be bothered “.
When did your love become conditional?
I drown my worries and voice of my spirit with soothing songs from an album from casting crowns. Some of the songs make me feel guilty, It makes me ruminate on my marriage as I begin a thorough clean of the entire house.
How can I say I love God and I have not showed love to my husband?
“You’ve showed him enough love. If he hadn’t ignored you this problem wouldn’t have happened. He is the one that tempted you to say all you said this afternoon”.
I re-arrange the sitting room to give it a fresh look. I do all of Tayo’s laundry, arrange the clothes and shoes in his closets, thoroughly wash the bathroom and toilet, I rearrange the store, putting out all the unnecessary things Tayo and I do not use anymore. I dash out to a nearby store to restock Tayo’s toiletries, I even call his Mother to greet her.
I am exhausted, I feel worn out but I am satisfied with my accomplishment. I decide to sleep a bit while I wait for my husband.
It doesn’t take too long before I hear the sound of the door. It opens to admit Tayo’s tall frame.
“Hi dear, welcome”. I say impulsively. I slap myself when I remember that we are fighting.
“Why is there so much Junk outside?”. Tayo says ignoring my greeting.
“For your information I cleared out the store … and don’t you dare use that tone on me”. I snap at him before giving him a mean look. I am tired and I don’t have the energy for nonsense. I expect him to commend me for all the work I have done.
But he hasn’t even seen what you’ve done..
“Okay. Can I have dinner? I am hungry and I miss your food”. He says like a remorseful child.
My jaw drops. I am wondering what is wrong with this man.
I eye Tayo before I give a long hiss and walk away. I lock the door of the room ,then throw myself on the bed to have a good weep.
“Your love should not be conditional”.
“Abeg! Abeg! God are you not seeing what he is doing to me? why are you being partial with your love, why must I be the one to be unconditional with my love, why don’t you tell Tayo to have sense and treat me right instead he asking me for food”. I reply to my spirit in anger.
To top it alI, I am carrying Tayo’s child and he’s treating me like crap…. ”
Many thanks for reading…
Author’s Bio :
God’s chick first…Living in the consciousness and basking in the righteousness of He who poured His liquid love on me…Epistle of Christ, Gregarious…I like to write but I am sometimes too lazy to put my thoughts in word. I am human!